Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thunderstorm knocked out my power so to pass the time, I'm sticking sharp metal objects into the wall outlets and hoping the power doesn't come back on.

   Two years from now, spam will be solved - Bill Gates (2004)

   there is a good chance my eyes will be red tomorrow

   Everyday I think people can't get any more stupid and pretty much everyday I'm proven horribly wrong!

   xT: Quotes My Parents Say I Spend To Much Time On Facebook And Should Go Outside . Thank God For Laptops And Wifi.

   Enrique Iglesias is far too pretty to be swearing in his songs. Its like being flipped off by a unicorn.

   A friend knows there's something wrong by the way you act but a best friend can tell through just a text message

   Does anyone else wonder why there are more male sword swallowers than female sword swallowers...

   I have seen the light! Its a sign!! Its says "Live Nude Ladies" and I shall follow it.

   girls know everything except when a guy likes them..

   You still mean everything to me, but you're just not worth the fight or my time and effort anymore.

   during a moment of silence at services last night...my ex girlfriend Stephanie asked what was happening...I said "this is the part of the service where we blow the Shofar"... she said "I'll take care of it...you paid for dinner".

   Ladies dont go after ugly rich men, Make your own money so you can hook-up with Hot poor guys like me.

   X says We're all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.

   It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, but it takes even fewer to give the finger to whoever made you frown.

   Women have to deal with periods and pregnancy. Men have to deal with Women. It's all about balance.

   don't have an affair with a puppeteer. There are strings attached...

   Never judge a girl by her makeup!

   After being bored to death with the Royal Wedding and the Beatification of the Pope, finally something worth watching on TV. Come on CNN I want all the gory details and footage on the death of Osama Bin Laden. This I can watch for days.

   if you post that you are sleeping, you are clearly a liar.