Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had sex last night from 1:55 to 3:02...I thought I was a machine until I realized the time had just changed.

   I would love nothing more than to see the Heat to lose in the first round.

   They should make a show like cash cab called Cats Cab where people get into a taxi and a cat is driving and all these flashing lights go off, but instead of answering questions everyone dies because cats can't drive.

   To all my Atheist and Agnostic friends. T_IF!

   just saved a lot of money on my car insurance by fleeing the scene of the accident.

   A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss. lol ;)

   boobbies make me happy click if you like boobbies, say it boobies

   What do you call a white guy who parties too much? A club cracker.

   I didn't post this status somebody else made it happen!!!

   Star Wars fans never get laid because they are looking for love in Alderaan places.

   Weed and Gay marriage are now legal in Colorado. The Bible says if a man should lay down with another man let him be stoned. Now it makes sense. I've been reading wrong all these years.

   Watchin the Music Awards... Boy, that Beiber chick is guna be one hot lesbian when she grows up!

   How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Aladdin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy,

   Before sex, you help each other get naked, after sex you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you're f***ed

   I don't care how old you are , if you don't respect me i'm not respecting you .

   Bubba Wallace's garage door pull was investigated more than election fraud.

   good morning, I see the screw sticks are bashing our beloved prez again

   loves how Trig Palin is named after a math class he'll never pass.

   doesn't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

   my 3 year old boy just informed me that "they nailed Jesus to a plus sign"