Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What I really seek is a career where I can combine my three main strengths as a worker: sulking, sighing and complaining about management.

   I never broke up with my summer camp fling....technically we're still dating. My commitment issues are over!

   Angelina Jolie adopted a few lawyers and put Brad Pitt up for adoption.....

   Who is this Feat. person and why does he appear on so many songs?

   I know women like "bad boys" but this Build a Bear Workshop coupon is going to expire soon so that's where we are going on our first date.

   Just decided to let my hair grow out. Partially out of curiosity but mostly because cutting it isn't worth the risk of the barber making small talk.

   Just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I'll be your baby's godmother.

   "I bet Lionel Richie was easy every damn day..." And other thoughts that keep me awake at night.

   Got so bored at work today I actually started doing my job!!!

   With all these clown sightings, I’m gonna start picking them up in my UberPool. Even better, I'll use a tiny car and fit 20 in at a time!!!

   Geologists say the California earthquake will most likely happen this weekend due to earthquakes being too busy during the week.

   Just heard a character say "There are no do-overs" on a show about time travel. That's the whole point of time travel!

   Perhaps it's time to cross-breed an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you're interested in a pretty amazing hug.

   I was a creepy clown before it was wrong and considered illegal.

   It took four years for Lil' Susie to be Runaround Sue, four more to be Lazy Susan, never was Susie HomeMaker, and Johnny Cash made her a boy.

   If you’re in the woods this weekend and see a large man wearing a hockey mask don’t assume he’s a Wayne Gretzky fan.

   Some people are only lovable online and should never be met in real life.

   Fun Fact: The Simpsons are 31 years old. They made their first debut 4/19/87 on the Tracey Ullman show.

   Nothing like an old high school crush finding you & friending you on Facebook because he needs cows or some crap for Farmville

   Ever stare dumbfoundingly at someone wondering how they ever had an opportunity to actually procreate?