Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   First Child: Top-of-the-line diaper bag filled with everything he'll need until college.

   Yes it is true that women give us solace, But if it were not for women we would never need solace.

   Well if we really are what we eat ... apparently I am fast cheap and easy.

   Pro Tip: Possums, wheither really dead or faking it, make great pillows for camping.

   Thanks, Amazon Prime. Just what I needed. Another consumer driven 'holiday.'

   Lies I've Told A Lot: I acknowledge that I have read and agree to the above terms and conditions.

   Talk about negative calorie foods, I expended more energy trying to open my string cheese than I derived from eating it.

   Their country is at war with itself and they chasing cartoon characters. What the heck!??

   Just when you think the world’s gone crazy you find out Mick Jagger knocked up his 29-year-old girlfriend and everything makes sense again.

   The Rick Springfield Paradox: If you get Jessie's Girl, she is no longer Jessie's Girl, and you have obtained nothing.

   Just seeing Trumps come out to, "We are the Champions" was good enough for me to make a decision.

   Planet Earth or as other worlds like to call it, The Planet of Idiots.

   If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.

   "Survivors remorse" proves who the real narcissists are...

   and I thought Bi-polar was a big white bear with no sexual preference

   Let my Tinder dates know I'm a bad boy by showing them the comments teachers left on my school reports.

   I'm more like a party canceling planner.

   Haven't had ice cream or alcohol in two weeks. I'm not sure which is more impressive but I did used to make alcoholic milkshakes.

   Interior designers say your home should have a theme. Mine is toys on the floor of every room, paired with piles of laundry as focal points.

   Sorry I unfollowed you but you said regular fries are just as good as sweet potato fries,, and that's a lie.