Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Hermit crab" describes me twice.

   Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window.

   : Scaramucci (n) a verry confident guy who doesn't last long.

   Pyongyang can't party. It has no Seoul.

   why are wedding dresses white? because you want the dishwasher to match the rest of the appliances

   Just purchased the Barbie doll Collector's Edition. Comes complete with a pre-nup and all of Ken's stuff!

   When I'm standing in line at an amusement park I like to say (very loudly) "This is the ride that Jimmy got killed on."

   do you realize that Def Leppard is the safest music to air drum to while driving because you can keep one hand on the steering wheel?

   I hear they're making a remake of the Never Ending Story. It starts with a man asking a woman how her day was.

   If you call your parents by their first names, we can’t be friend.

   Yay! Now I can go back to saying the word "Soccer" without some pretentious fan reminding me that it's referred to as "Football" in other parts of the world.

   To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you. You've got my Word.

   Pets are animals that aren’t delicious.

   Paintball is so much more fun when the other people at Wal-mart don't I'm playing.

   Why does a flamingo lift one leg? Because if it lifted both, it would fall over.

   Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

   whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.

   HER: Will you miss me? ME: Only if you run in a zig-zag pattern

   I’m pretty sure the most dangerous mixed drink is alcohol and Facebook

   Super Bowl LII: Patriots vs. Eagles. If it were any more patriotic, it'd be crapping fireworks out of it's end zone. 'Murica!