Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   High School Spanish class taught me just enough to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had.

   My internet was running slow today so I knocked on my neighbors' door and asked if they could place their router a bit closer to the window.

   I know two wrongs don't make a right, obviously... But how many does it take? I'm like on 396.

   I'm proud to announce that my wife and I are expecting a bacon.

   I'm so old that I remember when # was called a number sign.

   I forgot to post a picture of my lunch. So it never happened...

   The closest I am to having any "Swag" is the Old Spice Swagger deodorant, sitting in my bathroom cabinet.

   How dare the Heat try to sign the best free agents!!! Unlike... um... every single other team..

   I don't know if Anthony Weiner's weiner is that big but it's sure casts a very long shadow....

   If your name is Nancy and you get pregnant you will be pregnancy.

   2016 stop it with the great musicians. You know that Nickelback is still around!

   It's much better to wake up and go pee than to go pee and wake up

   Desert is different from Dessert. You can have as many desserts as you want, but you can only stand in one desert at a time, the english laungauge will get you every time. . .

   Happy Single's Discrimination Day. You'll be takiing matters in your own hands. Don't forget to clean up. . .. . .

   Yes, I'm Italian. But don't care about Sinatra, The Godfather or Al Pacino. I'm in it for the food.

   i am starting a go-fund-me page to gave a giraffe a c-section

   If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

   If you are ever stuck babysitting your nieces and nephews, give them each a 5-Hour Energy drink just before returning them to Mom and Dad.

   Ahhh, the sound of silence on Twitter. I thought I'd never see the day.

   I went to Disneyland but I don't remember it. I think somebody slipped me a Mickey at the snack bar.