Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you have a problem with me, call me and we'll talk about it. If you don't have my number then you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me.

   My life is like when you're holding your laundry and a sock falls and you go to pick it up and two more fall and eventually everything is on the floor.

   ATTENTION: Due to BBQ setbacks, my ripped beach body Will be postponed another year. Thank you for understanding.

   I just cleaned my house by turning off the lights.

   I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

   I wonder if the guy who coined the term "One Hit Wonder" came up with any other phrases.

   Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”

   Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

   Politician: someone who only opens their mouth to change feet.

   In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.

   There's too many people out here who have the balls to state their opinion. But not enough balls to be that person who makes ish happen.

   "Mmmm. I like that. That smells nice. I'm gonna piss on it." - Dogs. And R. Kelly.

   Judging from the numerous semi-naked profile pics I come across on facebook, I would say the porn industry will never have to worry about shortage of labour.

   I gave up "Olympic Synchronized Swimming" for lent....This is gonna be tough!

   I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well

   Its better to have loved and lost, then stay with that psyco one more sec

   There's that little bit of you that secretly thinks you'll be famous some day.

   Heat wave....ts above 25 degrees for the 2nd straight day!!

   I'm not tall enough to ride my own emotional roller coaster.

   my date last night had something between her boobs I never expected to see there - her belly button