Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My celery loving friend keeps dropping over all the time unannounced. Do you think she’s stalking me?

   Stuff your mask with M&Ms so you can eat them all day long like a horse

   When they make Molasses, what do they do with the rest of the Mole ?

   I wish the weekend came as fast as my ex did.

   Sorry for squirting in your face... Says no female ever.

   These Cheetos are gluten free so yeah, you could say I'm a health nut.

   my girlfriend thinks I am afraid of commitment my wife on the other hand...

   Why did Adam and Eve have the perfect marriage?..... Because neither one of them had a mother in-law.

   My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?

   People are so quick to think you smoke when they see a lighter in your room. Did you stop to think for a second that maybe, just maybe I use it to heat up heroin in my teaspoon Abigail?

   I should probably return these videos to Blockbuster.

   No Offence but I find it funny when deaf people get scared when i'm yawning infront of them

   The government reopened everyone hide your drugs

   We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like....... "well i'm bored, lets go brush our teeth!"

   I never knew my mechanic was a psychic until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car

   Apparently during one of the celebrations/riots in Philadelphia someone was arrested for punching a police horse. The man spent the night in jail while the horse was listed a being in “stable “ condition.

   Contrary to popular belief, changing the toilet paper roll does not cause brain damage....

   Bad News: Britain votes to leave Europe. Worst News: Mississippi says they're staying in America.

   Turns out most people find History Boring ..... Which also turns out that is why they keep repeating the same mistakes over and over. (Forgive me folks ... that's an intellectual joke)

   You have 20 pics of only your face, you must be so fat