Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I haven't wanted a Twinkie in years.... until I was told I couldn't have them anymore.

   Tim Tebow is the most talked about white Bronco since the O.J. chase.

   If gas prices keep going up I'm cutting off the bottom of my car and I'm "Flintstoning" That mf!

   You know when the police arrive at your job at 9am on a Monday... Its going to be an interesting day.

   The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.

   Spread your lies elsewhere, turkey bacon.

   I've been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don't know karate.

   I'd like to give that Baltimore mom 10 min alone with Congress and a wooden spoon.

   I haven't been to work in four days. I've almost forgotten how to play solitaire and minesweeper.

   My car talks. It says things like "your door is ajar", but never anything really helpful like, "there's a trooper hiding in the bushes."

   If God didn't think humility was important, he would have put the prostate somewhere else.

   What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t..."

   You really have to hand it to the blind prostitute..."

   be nice to me.. with minimum effort I can make things very very difficult

   These kids today need to show a little respect to those of us who fought for, and won the right to party.

   When at a meeting when the boss says "anyone have any suggestions?" Don't say "inappropriate touch Tuesday"...trust me

   That rather unflattering moment when she yells, “give it to me now!” when you have been giving it to her to the best of your ability for the past five minutes.

   When a woman says "I forgive you", what she really means is "thanks for giving me something to throw in your face the next time I'm losing an argument..."

   A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it 1,345,435 times.

   Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR's are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!