Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This lifelong football fan now has an extra 3 hours to do projects and other tasks like shopping on Sundays from now on.

   When a “Baby On Board” sticker is a little faded and beat up you know the kid is at least a year or two old now and the car is safe to ram

   Facebook is mostly poIitics, pet lovers and dysfunctional insecure model wannabes.

   As I recall, A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

   Lost my pizza cutter. So I used my Bryan Adam's C.D It cuts like a knife

   Decaf is the handjob of coffee.

   Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.

   I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.

   DAY 126 WITHOUT SEX, I'VE LOST THE HEARING IN MY RIGHT EYE

   The kid next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard ..... time to go mow my gravel driveway.

   With the rise in self-driving vehicles it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy's pickup truck leaves him too.

   Alexa, what the hell are these Asian ladies saying about me in this nail salon?

   In a galaxy 40 billion light years away some alien dude is saying, “but I’m not like the other guys,” while an alien lady rolls all 37 of her eyes.

   I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

   "This isn't my first rodeo." -Me, at my second rodeo

   My sandal invention for people with one leg turn out to be a flop.

   Today's Tip of the Day:Taste your words before you spit them out.

   As soon as the new iPhone was announced, a weird thing happened. My old iPhone started begging for its life.

   Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 40

   Apparently it's inappropriate to show up at your therapist's home to swim in his new pool even though your "boundary issues" paid for it.