Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.

   A bad attitude is like a flat tire. You can’t go anywhere until you change it.

   Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.

   I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together

   Live such that when the mortician prepares you for your funeral, he must struggle to get that grin off your face.

   I wonder if there's a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.

   Politician: one who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

   It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.

   Who else has this problem? "I want to start eating my meal, but I can't find the perfect TV show to watch while I eat"

   Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn't working out either.

   Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.

   I often get a "yes" from women...but it's usually followed by..."that's him officer"

   When I look at you, I can hear music.

   More bad news for millenials - you do not get a trophy for parallel parking your car

   On new year's eve while counting down the last 10 seconds, I lift my left leg so I'll start the new year out on the right foot.

   I made a millennial cry by asking him to fold a roadmap.

   Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

   Getting gas. I noticed the person before me on pump 3 bought $1 worth. Where the hell were they going? To pump 4?

   In 1969 you could buy a gun from a catalog. No background check or ID. No mass shootings. So what happened.

   My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.