Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.

   I take half a viagra every night before bed.. Keeps me from pissing on my slippers .

   Why is it that a dog can smell a hamburger from a mile away but has to get within a 1/2 an inch to smell another dog's butthole?

   If batman and catwoman had a kid it would be batcat or the "less popular" manwoman.

   Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

   God please let me find $80,000 on the floor today

   I asked my girlfriend to meet me at the gym. She never showed up. I knew right then we weren’t going to workout.

   Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

   I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

   I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

   Thinking about the time I bought 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…

   I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

   Yeah. It's OK for you to call my pets "Fur Babies" but if I call your kid a "Skin Dog" you get angry.

   Jeffrey Dahmer's bologna had a first name , it was Steven !

   You know you are working too hard when you go to make a call from your home telephone and first dial 9.

   Spotted a house tonight with their Christmas lights already up in October and can only imagine that they work for Walmart.

   Don't let a gerbil talk you into anything you don't want to do

   Dear YouTube: Just because I watched one video on how to change the oil in my car does not mean I want to watch a thousand other videos just like it. -Me

   Find a girl that takes care of you, like the press takes care of Joe Biden.

   I get my exercise by pushing the limits of those around me.