Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife gets the last word in any argument. Anything I said after that is considered the start of a new argument.

   Pray for your enemies. Nothing annoys them more than that.

   Why are snooze alarm minutes so short and microwave oven minutes so long?

   I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my monitor if I leave it idle for 15 minutes. It's my screen savior.

   Ariel the Little Mermaid never got married. She just ended up with a whole bunch of catfish.

   I can't imagine a better slogan for an eyeglasses company than, "Buy your glasses here if you ever want to see your children again."

   The quality of the villain is so important to me in a movie

   Read rhymes with lead, and read rhymes with lead, but read and lead don’t rhyme, and neither do read and lead.

   Why isn't cat food made from squirrels, mice and birds? I've yet to find half a tuna on my porch.

   Not sure I'm going to heaven. At this point in my life, the best I can hope for is the low humidity section of hell.

   Nothing says IN GOD WE TRUST quite like having nuclear weapons.

   A certain duck who does not wear pants was questioned, but was seen signing autographs at the time.

   Pro-Trump Girl’s Hair Set On Fire By Anti-Trump Protester At Women’s March. Lib posterchild.

   A home-made Father's Day gift from your kids seems nice until you remember kids in other countries make Air Jordans and iPhones.

   If Trump gets impeached, I will seriously commit suicide!

   Sometimes I STOP when it's not even Hammer time

   I heard that if you golf enough, the terrorists eventually surrender.

   If you looked up the word "modest" in the dictionary, you would see a picture of me.

   If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, hunt it down and beat the snot out of it.

   What has red hair, big feet, and lives in a test tube? Bozo the Clone.