Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is lemonade made with artificial flavor, while furniture polish is made with real lemons?

   If the 2nd only covers muskets and cannons, then healthcare only covers band aids and tylenol. Libera@1 logic at its best.

   They put up signs on my street for "Slow Children." I knew these kids were stupid but damn, do they really need to advertise it????

   I want to open a donut shop and call it Hole Foods.

   I remember how it felt so good to turn my lights out for Earth Hour... On hindsight, I probably shouldn't have been driving at the time.

   Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go

   Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow's ass

   I went to Disneyland but I don't remember it. I think somebody slipped me a Mickey at the snack bar.

   I feel like everytime a Trump employee quits or gets fired, Oompa Loompas should appear and sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony and greed.

   "Jesus loves you" is a nice thing to hear in church. But not in prison.

   When OJ gets out, he going to kill it on Tinder.

   I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.

   Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.

   I'm patiently awaiting a Chris Cornell/Chester Bennington mashup.

   I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."

   Why couldn't Eve have just made Adam a sammich like other women?

   My train of thought is usually all loco and no motive.

   If you mean Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then, yes, I do like opera.

   I used to be a male trapped inside a female's body. But then I was born and everything was OK.

   [at restaurant] Wife: I'm having an affair. Husband: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have the affair as well.