Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One doesn't know, what they don't know, untill they don't know it.

   To err is hunam!!

   If my wife finds out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she'd hit the roof.

   the percentage of people who "tell you what they want, what they really really want" has dropped drastically since 1996

   OJ Simpson will be using Tinder when he gets out of prison. He will have to decide if he wants to slash left, or slash right

   I'm we had to wait 3 years for a new movie to be released on VHS years old.

   I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

   I think my cat is a Scientologist.

   For the most intelligent species on this planet, how did we end up with 5 Sharknado movies? Seriously?

   When I was a kid we rode our bikes without helmets and nothing's wrong with us. And you know what else? When I was a kid we rode our bikes without helmets and nothing's wrong with us.

   I was just cursing the bag boy at the grocery store for leaving out my Reece's cups and then I remembered I used self-checkout.

   As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

   "Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"

   Babies are participation trophies for men.

   keep you attitude inside your underwear it will be useful for your upcoming generation

   If I ever get stranded on a Dessert Island, I hope it’s a Cherry Cheesecake.

   I just saw a digital radio going for super cheap on EBay because it's stuck on full volume. Can't turn that down!

   I prefer my kale with a silent "K"

   I agree there is no "I" in team but have you noticed there is a "me"?

   When I BBQ meat on the grill, I like to marinate in a brine made with tears of a thousand Vegans.