Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don't like almonds, I like salt...

   I just built a hurricane proof home. Because I built it in Minnesota!

   Ate lunch at Cracker Barrel today. I didn't see any barrels but I did see a lot of Crackers!!

   Does anyone know the name of that Jennifer Aniston movie? You know. The one where she plays a quirky girl who untimately finds love in the end?

   There are four boxes to use in the defense of Liberty: Soap, Ballot, Jury, and Ammo. Use in that order.

   If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!

   if you want a sneak preview of the new IPhone 8 just look at your IPhone 7 and pretend it cost $999 more.

   Ever noticed that some english speaking tv stations has SAP in spanish for the latino viewers. But spanish speaking tv stations does not have SAP in english for the english speaking viewers.

   Lactose intolerance is said to be the primary cause of a cheesy combustible.

   Salad? You mean crunchy sadness?

   Hmmm, everyone sharing memories like we all wanna slice.....

   Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.

   Social Justice Crowd: Irma's not my hurricane!

   The new iPhone costs $999. The entire Cracker Barrel menu costs 887.71. Let that sink in.

   Score one for the good guys! Trump is going to protect the dreamers.

   Did anyone see last night's episode of South Park? It was hilarious how they were making fun of the rednecks and their obsessive-compulsive disorder for working.

   Bigfoot saw me yesterday but no one believes him.

   OK. So I danced like no one was watching. I need bail money.

   "Waiter, how do you prepare your lobsters?" "Nothing special. We just them straight out that they are going to die."

   The only way the Democrats would do away with Obamacare would be if it required a photo ID to get it.