Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stupid kid fell in the well again. --Lassie, if she were a cat.

   Next time you find yourself complaining on your $600 smartphone, put it down and rethink your life.

   So let me get this straight -- they left the porridge on the table and went for a walk, and the 3 bowls cooled at different rates?

   Any coincidence that OJ gets parole about the same time that Ford Motor Company brings back the Bronco?

   Don't have time to read the news anymore. Just show me a picture of something bad, give it a miguided headline, and promise I will get angry.

   When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.

   How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and charge a grand for it.

   hey we're back to funny quotes... Dummy-Crats must be reading Killary's book.

   The worst thing about parallel parking is that there are usually witnesses.

   they say you have to go through hell to get to heaven,i wish I brought my gps with me cause I'm lost.lol

   My friend Ryan is getting his vasectomy reversed tomorrow...I'm planning to make a movie about it and call it "Saving Ryan's Private"

   thinks that Facebook should give a breathalyzer test before you can sign in.

   I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

   The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for the kettle to boil.

   My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

   When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $4.95 a minute.

   Never join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

   Monica Lewinsky has launched her new 'patriotic' theme designer dresses...they are available in red, white and blew

   I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my arse

   Q. How do Mooslims practice safe sex? A. They mark the camels that kick.