Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm guessing an appropriate term for those pics women take of their own rear-ends could be labeled as "smellfies."

   I remember how proud my wife was when she taught our baby son how to walk and talk. Now that he's 5 she's trying to teach him to sit down and shut up.

   It's ironic how those who bemoan being judged by their color are now the one's judging folks by their color. 1 |

   People who publicly announce they're "taking a break" from social media, are merely disgruntled that they have only 10 friends and even those 10 never comment.

   Why can't you people get it? The protest of not standing for the national anthem will end when you people learn equality and freedom for all races.

   Red wine pairs beautifully with procrastination.

   Kim Jong Un has made millions of Americans look up the word dotard. So far, he's done way more education than Betsy DeVos.

   I didn't mean to gain weight...It was a snacident!

   You know what they say about identity theft. Fool me once,shame on you,fool me twice shame on you because you're me now.

   Being energy efficient. When I saw an advertisment for a solar power clothes dryer. I ordered one. What I receive was a 25 foot clothes-line and a pack of 50 clothes pins.

   Whenever I see signs on Social Media that read, "I stand with PP" I secretly think, "I stand while I pee-pee but I don't feel the need to broadcast that information.”

   Rocket Man & Dotard meet in Nambia to avoid another bowling green massacre, Obama tapes the entire thing via microwave.

   OK. Who decided to call it "marijuana possession" and not "joint custody"?

   I hate it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party! Besides, my dog is receiving his First Communion that day....

   What's the best thing about being single? Having the bed all to yourself. What's the worst thing about being single? Having the bed all to yourself.

   Anyone knows where I can get some decaffeinated Nambian Covfefe? It's made with 100% confussion.

   Puerto Rico is showing us how to make teenagers and their annoying smartphones disappear - just cut the power

   Whoever claims they invented goat yoga stole the idea from Wyoming sheep ranchers. Okay, maybe they didn't use yoga mats but they beat you to the punch boys.

   If Hillary really wanted a best seller, she should have included her 30,000 deleted emails.

   Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.