Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me, as a kid: This is stupid, we should get the whole week off. Me, as a parent: Why do the schools close on the day AFTER Thanksgiving too?

   there a pack of wild dogs attacking my child, or are there peas touching his mashed potatoes? I can't tell.

   Do you ever duck your head when driving fast into an underground parking garage? I'm like that all the time.

   The movie HOME ALONE would never work now. What kid is going to look up from his smartphone after 10 hours and realize no one is around?

   The best part of paying $49 for this new toy for my son's Christmas present is knowing how happy some other kid will be in 3 months when we donate it to a thrift store

   A Woman Finding Out AFTER Long Search On Net That..... "Phillip's 21 Inch" Was Actually Just a T.V.

   I think people should make New Years resolutions for NO MORE SELFIES IN BATHROOMS, Seriously you and your toilet are not sexy

   If you're in a relationship. I don't know why you feel the need to upload 10 selfies a day. Look at your boyfriend instead of a camera

   It's better to be kissed by a fool than to be fooled by a kiss.

   Darth Vader: The first black guy to admit he's the father.

   A friend with weed is a friend in need of rehab.

   The Meaning of Life is simply to give your Life Meaning.

   My brother-in-law likes to brag how he always eats right, exercises, doesn't smoke or drink, sees his doctor every year for a checkup etc. I told him that someday he is going to look awful stupid lying in a hospital dying from nothing.

   Before we start having any hope for the future of humanity, we should really look into how Women park Cars

   Does this mean we'll have to pay more to access webpages that were free?

   What people need are Café Mocha Marijuana Latte's. . .

   Why is it said that an alarm clock is going off when really it's coming on?

   I need a Café Mocha Valium Latte.

   Ladies, if you wait until your 30s to donate your eggs, they'll tell you no and that you'll have to find another way to finance your kitchen remodeling project.

   A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.