Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pink grapefruit extreme close-up, you’re welcome.

   If we aren't supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?

   "Lindsay Lohan bitten by snake while on vacation in Thailand" I can't get my head around how a snake can be that organized

   Time to practice changing 7's into 8's

   Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let's just keep it in the carton, ok?

   Just had ice cream without sprinkles on top. Diets are so hard.

   College football is important but a college education is importanter!

   We all have a machine in our house that sets itself on fire when it gets cold and we're all ok with that!

   I just ate a box of stove top stuffing in my underwear while laying on the couch. So if you're looking to me for something inspirational, you should probably look elsewhere.

   Unless you had yourself cloned, I don't want to hear any of this "New Year, New Me" crap.

   I saw a hipster wearing socks because it’s so cold.

   It’s so cold, I saw chickens lined up outside KFC waiting their turn in the deep fryer.

   On new year's eve while counting down the last 10 seconds, I lift my left leg so I'll start the new year out on the right foot.

   So cold don's toupee flew south for the winter

   So cold in D.C. today that the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.

   It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.

   It's so cold out that I saw a dog frozen to a fire hydrant

   Heard there was a kidnapping at the school. Untill the teacher woke him up.

   - 2018 starts with a full moon - 2018 is the year of the dog I’m onto you, werewolves.

   It's so cold outside, I just saw a fox trying to jump-start another fox.