Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   85% of Marriage is telling the other person they snore and them saying they don't.

   I miss the days when getting tested meant you were sleeping around.

   Justin Bieber is being sued for allegedly beating up his ex-bodyguard. Which begs the question — who hires a bodyguard that Justin Bieber can beat up?

   Did any of you get nominated for an Oscar? Me neither. Apparently you have to be in a movie to get nominated, which I think is unfair.

   I bought my dog a cell phone today. It was a good deal. He gets free rollover minutes.

   No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.

   [my first day as a 911 dispatcher] *eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

   Diet status: I spilled powdered sugar on an important document and licked it off.

   My New Year’s resolutions are: 1. Stop making lists. B. Be a lot more consistent. 7. Learn to count.

   My husband and dog are a lot alike. They both want what I’m eating and get startled awake by their own stinky farts.

   An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

   If one person is tailgating you, they are the problem. If everyone is tailgating you, you are the problem.

   Well, well, well… if it isn’t all my “we’ll deal with it in January” chickens come home to roost.

   Hate it when artists get on Twitter to tell us that we’re singing the lyrics wrong. If 80 thousand of us are saying the same thing, maybe YOU’RE wrong.

   Just bought a tv stand and now I’m being targeted with tv stand ads. I only need one tv stand, I’m not a tv stand hoarder.

   I’m putting a snowblower in the back of my truck and drive south until someone says, “what the heck is that?” And that, is where I’ll live.

   Putting groceries in the freezer is like Tetris, taking them out is like Jenga.

   The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.

   Anyone: “You’re so interesting to talk to! Our personalities fit so well together!” Me: Thanks, I made this one especially for you.

   I don’t usually think about what I say before I say it. I prefer to think about it after I’ve said it, late at night, for the rest of my life.