Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "When did hamburger start needing help?"

   Just a reminder: it reads WE THE PEOPLE. We’re all in this together as HUMANS. Doesn’t mean we own this planet as a religion or race.

   20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash. no hope and no jobs. Hope nothing happens to kevin Bacon.

   People who read tabloids deserve to be lied to.

   Did you hear. DEMI LOVATO New song? Sober not Sober

   I will only date a woman 3 times. I'm not scared of commitment. I'm scared my wife will find out.

   In my 20s: My knees hurt from being on my knees 😏 In my 30s: My knees hurt from being alive

   it's so hot, Bloods and Crips have resorted to shooting each other with super soakers

   Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I'm making you up.

   When I'm bored, I like to superglue Doritos to the neighbor's cat and watch it run around the neighborhood like a little stegosaurus.

   If a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it's one of those circus bears. I mean, hey, you never know....

   The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.

   I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.

   Your Nano died? No biggie, just recharge it. Oh. You said "Nana", didn't you? Damn.

   If killing them with kindness doesn't work, just kill them.

   Bad decision: Believing we're from the government and we're here to help you.

   tonight my phone made this weird noise ive never heard before,so I googled it and apparently someone was trying to call me

   Once I ate a whole banana, skin and all. I found it quite unappeeling.

   "Hey! No fair! You cleaned the bathrooms last week! It's my turn!" said no one ever.

   GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died! ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.