Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I've been on in 4 years.

   KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal Me: Family?

   I can feel my gut hanging out of my t-shirt but it's hidden by my hoodie so basically my secret identity is Winnie the Pooh.

   If I had a pet unicorn, I'd probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

   My Girlfriend says our sex-life is so bad because I get so easily distracted? Ah well!..back to it I suppose!

   Drink beer while you can still afford it.

   What's trump's favorite cereal? Cheeri O's, the cereal made for little hands.

   Q: What do "Deadliest Catch" and "Jersey Shore" have in common? A: They're two reality TV shows about catching crabs.

   instead of talking about who people whould vote for, maybe gef off social media and actually go put and vote if you want change

   Her: "Let's watch a good horror movie tonight!" Me: "OK!" **Breaks out wedding video** And that's when the fight started...

   The circumference of a pumpkin divided by it's diameter = pumpkin pi...

   First rule of Fight Club: Never hold it at a Saudi Arabian Embassy!

   There is strength in loyalty; not in numbers.

   The key to success is concentration, a skill which can be learned with - oh wow, that cloud looks like Snoopy!

   I just bought a new Jeep. I named it Elizabeth Warren because it's all white yet says it's a Cherokee.

   Bet if the block voters wore MAGA hats, they would not of had a problem registering to vote.

   The guy in charge of running the election (kemp) in Georgia is also running in the Georgia election. Mmmm I wonder who will win ?

   Come on people, does your vote really count? Or is it just a big con?

   I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

   I like when people call me "Sir." I just wish they wouldn't follow it up with "You're making a scene."