Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I spent the last night defrosting the fridge. Or, Foreplay as she calls it.

   My mother in-law is so ugly, even a boiling tea kettle won't give her a whistle.

   Wouldn't it be nice to have the wisdom of a 90 year old, the body of a 20 year old, and the energy of a 5 year old.

   Eating clean means I just took a shower and I'm heading to McDonald's..

   now officially talking to myself but somehow I hear busy signals in my ears. I wonder if I can get call waiting?? Wait... Maybe its better I dont answer myself.

   To MacKenzie Bezos: 'sup, girl?

   The worlds greatest marionette is Putin. He has Trump as a puppet and I can’t even see the strings.

   Trump being re-elected is as likely as Ken and Barbie doing the wild thing.

   Got my ancestry DNA results back. It seems I related to Adam and Eve.

   Barbie sure has a lot of nice things for a woman whose knees don't bend.

   Ladies, your man can’t complain about your excessive shopping habit if he has your tit in his mouth.

   I have never met a baby named Gary. It’s like they just start life at 30 years old.

   "If you are under investigation by the FBI. you should not be president -Donald Trump 7/14/16

   She blinded me with science! Well, Chemistry... Mace. It was mace.

   Every time I go to Taco Bell I get diarrhea. Perhaps next time, I should get tacos.

   I’ve realized that the penguin may be the only animal on earth that falls over more than I do

   I don't care about the shutdown affecting the parks and monuments. But I draw the line when it effect my beer.

   The counter lady at Mcdonalds was American. I said "You are the only one that understands me"

   I got gas for $2 a gallon which was cheaper than getting it at Taco Bell.

   I still don't know why Microsoft put a talking paper clip in Microsoft Office instead of a talking ink pen they could call your "pen pal"