Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm pretty sure the hotel receptionist was checking me out!

   Silence is golden. Unless you have teenagers. Then it becomes suspicious.

   When I'm grilling a stake, the smell of the juices makes my mouth water. Wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn.

   Thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, then realized it said "THICK CUT"

   OK. What genius decided to call it Erectile Dysfunction and not Ballzheimer's?

   I guess border wall funding wasn't a priority when we had a working gov't and a Rep Congress the last 2 years...

   Here's an idea. How about if every person who doesn't want a wall will have to pay a fine? Sort of like Obamacare.

   My new coffee mug now says "Don't even talk to me until I've had my paycheck".

   Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

   If there are no snacks, don’t even bother inviting me to your orgy.

   I thought 23 & me was a doumentary about Michael Jordan spending time with an old lady.

   I noticed that the killer crocodile had an 80s dude on his shirt pocket!

   A wheel works. A wall works. To bad you don't work.

   [Returning a mattress] ME: Yes, I was told this was king size, but my child is 3 feet tall and somehow takes up all of it.

   When I was a kid, the only password you had to remember was the one that got you into the treehouse.

   I don't rise and shine, the best I can do is get up and gripe.

   Being an adult is eating the crust not because you like it, but because you paid for it.

   I work in Customer Service because I'm really good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault.

   Y’all ever inhale a dog's fart and think “this is it, this is how I die.”

   The rich man glories in his greed; the humble man feeds hundreds and stays silent.