Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With facebook down I went back to doing those little things we sometimes overlook while it's up, like keeping the dishes from polling up in the sink, folding the laundry on top of the dryer, finishing reading those books I started reading and showering.

   Facebook's down and I am poised at conquering the world!

   I saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth.. She was down to the final four.

   Dude! That cross-eyed girl at the bar is looking at you...... And me...

   My kids are growing up and I guess that means I'm getting older...that's not what saddens me...what saddens me is that the kids no longer eat for free when we go out anymore.

   Mark Facebook needs to get his crap together!

   I think some of my Facebook friends make completely irrational decisions in life that make no sense whatsoever, and we should hangout more.

   I poured my heart out and it evaporated. FML

   Women hate cargo pants and cargo shorts because they illustrate the tactical inferiority of the purse.

   Overheard at the coffee shop: “Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?” Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.

   I'm a porn again Christian.

   The current generation should be called mushrooms because they've been fed crap and kept in the dark

   I thought my pet rock was sick... Turns out it was just stoned

   When you will lie about anything, you will lie about everything.

   Thought for the day: The forest was shrinking yet trees kept voting for the axe because its handle was made of wood and they thought it was one of them.

   If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be World Peace for about two hours. Immediately followed by a global food shortage.

   I can't get over how intelligent smartphones are getting as mine just filmed a 20-minute documentary about itself all on its own about its life in a pocket.

   I met MicroSoft owner Bill Windows.

   The first thing I notice on a girl are her eyes. Unless she's not looking, then it's her tiits...

   Everytime I do something dumb, I just remind myself that at least I don't believe in a imaginary guy named 'Q' who can do anything in this world. That always makes me feel better.