Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   took my car to the mechanic yesterday to look at my brakes. he said I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

   hated it when old aunts and uncles used to come up to him at weddings, poke him in the ribs and cackle, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

   wonderin if this will be the year. Santa hasn't visited me since I moved out the first time. Can't figure it out!

   MISSING: Sultry dark haired nymphomaniac. Likes 2 have hair pulled & be tied up. Please return immediately as she may be dangerous! I am a trained professional

   this monkeys wings aren't real!!! That guy screwed me, these aren't flying monkeys at all!!!!

   2 dyslexics run into a bank and shout "air in the hands mother stickers this is a f**k up

   Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

   Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings….'

   watching p0rn and eating doritos !

   If I call you a "HO" these final days of 2009, it's only for the holiday purposes... *smirks*

   hates Know-It-Alls, because if you really knew it all, you would know I think you a shmuck!

   Wants Santa to bring me one of the hot girls thats on his naughty list

   wondering why iceland is green and greenland is ice? Silly Vikings!

   about to put a broom stick in your turd cutter

   Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

   found a midget nest today! I am taking the egg home for further study.

   Tresspassers will be shot. Survivors will be prosecuted.

   An ideal mind is a devil's workshop...mine is a warehouse!

   happy and he knows it...but refuses to clap his hands or stomp his feet.

   thinks a foolish husband gives his wife an old piano. A wise husband gives her an upright organ!