Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Eating habits? You wanna know my eating habits? Well everytime I have to take a sh!t it's an emergency, hows that?"

   quotes, "Life's most urgent question is: what are you doing for others?" ~ Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.

   just because he knows he's smarter than you doesn't make him arrogant, just part of the majority

   Love is a game in which one always cheats.

   My brother is in the Army. He invented the Standard Issue Kevlar Condom......It protects soldiers in the bush.

   ..crossword puzzles always remind her of her arguments with her exes. One word leads to another...

   disappointed in his new phone. It promised more bars in more places but all I see are the same old bars and the same old drunks.

   Warning: May contain traces of nuts,may cause drowsiness, some assembly required, but not tested on animals.

   was like whoa this must be a dream........POKE ME!!!!!!

   Vikings Prayer; Our Favre-ther who art in Mississippi hallowed be thy name. Thy bowl will come, it will be won, In Miami as it is in the Dome. Give us this Sunday, Our weekly win. Give us touchdown passes, but do not let others pass against us. Lead us no

   Nurses can be very delicate individuals. They're caregivers. Sensitive. Empathetic. And sometimes they stick a thermometer in your butt!

   My Love is Like Hell! My Family is like Heaven, My Friends are the Best, & I'm Completely Drunk!

   heres a bombshell just for you...turns out i've been lying too

   Life gave me LeMoNs. . . So I mixed it upp to be sweet and got MeLoNs!

   It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt

   There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.

   To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.

   Long live the Spork!

   Peace of mind makes the body healthy, but jealousy is like a cancer.

   I knew I was drunk. I felt sophisticated and couldn't pronounce it.