Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some of my best relationships now are with people who I dont have relationships with anymore.....

   Oops! Something went wrong. We don't give two sh!ts if you waste the next hour trying to understand why you can't post anything You may be able to try again, whatever!

   wondering how many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

   In Taiwan, marine biologists have discovered a crab that they say looks just like a strawberry, and by "marine biologists," I mean two guys on mushrooms.

   My new doctor is a very attractive busty blonde.....I have now given up eating apples !!!!

   These days, the only way I get rolled in the hay is if I get mugged behind the barn

   planning on driving to the south Florida for the Super Bowl. Let's just hope I don't "FUMBLE" my keys a few times before getting there.

   too bad the minn didnt win...i wanted to see favre get a ring this year....but ok well...you brett...go ahead and retire now for and come back b4 the start of next year...

   has decided that a Man's nipples are for decoration.

   My annoying neighbors challenged me to a water fight, so i'm posting this status while waiting for the kettle to boil..

   sometimes wishes that life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP ►► FF

   I will personally pay the exorcist to pay Anna Anka a visit.

   Life is like a mirror, we get the best results when we smile at it....

   My boss asked me to take an anger management class today. I told him I was angry enough with management as it is!

   just heard that A burger King in Florida will open next month that will serve BEER.... where you'll be able to get a whopper combo with a beer for 7.99....FINALLY A HAPPY MEAL FOR MEN!

   tired of people giving me a skewed or heart-wrenching fact, then asking me to post it as my status, THEN mysteriously having the clarvoyance to tell me what percent of people won't post it as their status. HONK if this annoys you!

   Happy 50th Birthday Bubble Wrap!!!!!

   Excuse me,God,but this fig leaf is much too small!

   wishes Brett would just go away. Favre, Favre away.

   I'm looking forward to seeing my life flash before my eyes when I die. If only to know what I did in the 90s.