Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   examining one of his patients. Took the husband aside and said: Your wife doesn't look too good. Husband said: I know but she's got an awesome personality...

   doesn't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth like 12 points

   FAT CHICKS ARE LIKE MOPEDS, THERE ARE FUN AND GAMES UNTIL YOUR FRIENDS CATCH YOU RIDIN ONE.....

   A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says"Why do you think that?". The man says, "well, the s*x is still the same but the laundry is piling up."

   thinks directing a few airplanes at JFK would be child's play.

   says....I was concerned that my goldfish was epileptic, so I took it to the Vet. "Looks fine to me" they said. I said "But you haven't taken it out of the water yet!"

   There's a fleck on the speck on the tail On the frog on the bump on the branch On the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea.

   Pay no mind to those who speak behind your back. It just means that you are ahead of them.

   This bill collector called my house for the last time today. I told him just like it is... You call my house 1 more time and I'm taking your name out the hat. I put everybody's name in a hat, at the end of the week I draw a name and that's the one I pay.

   changed the title of today from: Bill Paying Day to Check Writing Day. Yes, I am writing checks...but the bills are not necessarily gonna get paid. We'll see who posts them at the bank faster! Moooowahahahahaha

   ..when people write "is ;-)" as their stat message,you tend to think,well,if I was ";-)" would I stop and write a stat update about it? Obviously you're not ";-)" very well.

   You know you're fat when you sit in the bath and the water in the toilet rises.

   Relationships are like farts... If you push too hard, things could get messy!

   There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count & those who can't.

   Party every day that begins with the letter T. Tuesday and Thursday? Nah, TODAY and TOMMOROW! :)

   wondering if Jewish Rabbi get paid for circumcision or do they just keep the tips???

   Today, I was told I was being too patronising which means I was treating them like they were stupid.

   ...when two's company, three's the result...

   ...says there's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away...

   Definition of mixed emotions: seeing your mother-in-law go over a cliff in your brand new Porsche.