Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I feel like kicking you in the face ... but then again WHY should I help improve your looks?

   You know you are obsessed with farmville, when your stomach is growling and you say, "Shut-up! I need to harvest!"

   U know what I hate? Those DAMN "push 2 wash" sinks in public restrooms! UGHHHHhhh what's the purpose?! They only stay on for bout 2.5 seconds IF THAT, then you gotta hold it & wash 1 hand, & switch, and BAMMM you got more germs than you started with!

   wishing I could invade my neighbors farms and take over their land in Farmville.

   just wanted to tell the weekend that I love you and I will be back, I will not let the weekdays take me away from you.

   in a relationship with beer which gets complicated after 2am when I start downing single shots

   From now on I will be doing my laundry while nude. This way when I'm done, I will truly be finished washing all of my clothes.

   Man, my supervisor should've called in sick today, I think he has diarrhea of the mouth.... that's right, he can't stop talking s#*t!

   thinks it should be illegal to do construction, mow, and/or weed whack before noon.

   used Tag bodywash this morning and was looking forward to a goodtime before work. Unfortunately, no girls busted through walls or outran cheetahs to ravage me, dammit.

   If a guy takes Viagra and his erection does last more than 4 hours, do you HONESTLY think he calls his doctor to complain or does he go through his phone and line up his booty calls???

   Ladies, when you expect a guy 2 be completely honest with u, I laugh. you women wear heels- UR not that tall, you wear makeup- you don't look like that, you color you hair- UR not a blonde. Everything about you is a lie & you expect a man to tell you the

   a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.

   Why get stuck with the whole pig just for a little sausage?

   Last time I was at the hospital lab they asked for a urine sample. I said " No more samples! Either you buy it or you don't! I can't just go giving away free samples every time I come here."

   says"why buy the cow when you can get milk for free?"

   The only reason Rihanna repeats everything in her songs is so noone will notice if the record skips during a concert like Milli Vanilli.

   Pls work on your lyrics Rihanna.. B'coz men hate it when you say the same things again and again. No wonder you got hit by Chris Brown.

   doesn't think that it was ever Benjamin Franklin's intention for us to give up an hour on a Saturday night... What's wrong with giving up the hour on Monday?

   be nice to me.. with minimum effort I can make things very very difficult