Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   knows that her house wont clean itself, but thinks that it really should make the effort!!!

   When the Chinese teach their babies to eat with chopsticks,do they start them off with toothpicks?

   Hey! I said no pickles! That's it...I wanna speak to the frigg'n McManager!!!

   in the mood to push someone down the stairs hit them over the head with a fire extinguisher then bury the body under the garden patio

   Enough With The Poking, Lets Just Have Sex

   I pledge resistance to the Czar of the Divided States of America, and the Communism for which he stands. One Socialist, without God, divisible with healthcare and welfare for all.

   Because of The Hangover, the way I say "retard" has forever been changed...

   nothing tears a family apart like pack of wild dogs.

   hiding hulk behind his zipper!!!

   why is it whenur watchin a movie and some one says"dude did you see that" no I payed $6.00 to sit and watch the floor

   A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows.

   Tomorrow, I'm gonna write a blog post about procrastination.

   wonders if retail stores in Afghanistan have a hard time taking inventory because of the tally ban.

   hopes Rush Limbaugh remembers to squeeze his fat a*s aboard Oxycontin Airlines and leave the country like he promised, now that health care legislation has been signed into law.

   Sometimes I think I'm a genius. Then I realize I've already seen this episode of Jeopardy.

   giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to ted kennedy

   Somehow, my inner beauty's not increasing my confidence when I'm walking into the sauna.

   thinks it's funny how a self - examination for testicular cancer easily turns in to masturbation

   "So this is how democracy dies, with thunderous applause..." - Star Wars Episode III

   would like to sublease his FB wall. He's still trying to find a way to make money here.