Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just put child locks on all my cabinets, trash cans and cupboards. Now let's see those kids get out of there.

   When I'm on the phone, I like to press the buttons and say "Would you please stop doing that!"

   No one is listening until you fart.

   I feel pretty lucky. Thousands of people die every day and it's never me.

   At lunch time, I like to park my car on the side of the road with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.

   Friday, I've tried to see other days and none compare to you, I love you.

   the most confident when naked, too bad I can't be naked in front of my interviewers.

   just had a moment of genius, a chocolate Easter bunny that is filled with the Cadbury Cream Egg filling......YUMMMM!!!

   doesn't get upset at broken promises; I just think, why did they believe me?

   A dress is like a barbed wire fence. It protects the premises without obstructing the view.

   me and my husband been happy for 20 years. And then one day we met.

   I'm not lady gaga but I too want to take a ride on your disco stick

   noticed a friends facebook status said that he's suicidal and thinking about jumping off a bridge. So I poked him

   Accidentally grabbing the glitter spray instead of the feminine deopdorant spray gives "disco stick" a whole new meaning.

   Girls have unique magic tricks, they get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard.

   Scientists confirm diarrhea is hereditary, saying it "runs in your jeans."

   having a threesome with Ben and Jerry

   I wanted a good suit for a job interview. The missus said"Why don't you borrow the suit your dad wore at the funeral last week?" It really was a good suit, so I grabbed a shovel,headed for the graveyard and........

   its not team edward or Jacob its team necrophilliac or team beastiality

   The winner of the rat race is still a rat.