Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Since switching from PC to MAC, my computer never goes down on me :(

   refuses to "lather, rinse, repeat". Seriously... how dirty do they think my hair gets?!?

   Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

   sometimes I find hope at the bottom of a bottle of vodka.

   Arguing about Facebook is so Myspace.

   What I meant to text: 'sweety pie'. What I actually texted: 'sweaty pig'. Proofreading: it can save relationships.

   I made eye contact with someone in traffic and then didn't let them merge. I feel like a James Bond villain.

   F*ck the real world,let's all just be pirates!

   I sympathize a lot with Darth Vader because he had so much trouble juggling career and family.

   Some people are put off when I greet them with a kiss. Maybe I should use less tongue?

   Light switches that flip up for off should be banned

   Somebody make her a dude so I can punch her!!

   I've downloaded the Darth Vader voice and labeled my final street destination "Your M0m" Just to hear: now turning on y0ur m0m

   Sex is like Jenga: you pull out and try not to make a mess

   What's another word for word?

   I can't fall asleep with all these people honking at me. Go around!!

   Yes, I know the muffin man, Why who wants to know?

   When a guy asks what you do for a living he'll probably walk away when you answer, "Y0ur m0m." But the look on his face is totally worth it.

   I have a better idea. Tell your boobs to stop staring at me, it's very distracting

   Tony is telling everybody to remember that there are two words that will open a lot of doors for you " Push and Pull"