Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Aspire to inspire before you expire.

   Ever notice no matter how hard you try, you still say Reese's PEECIES instead of pieces?

   Global warming will not kill us. It will just adjust the food web so that every other animal dies and we resort to eating each other. That's when the zombie apocolypse comes in...

   Whenever I feel unproductive and unaccomplished, I have to remind myself that "Windows 7 was my idea." That always lifts me up a little.

   With all the police and medical shows taking over primetime TV, you figured one could skip all of college to be in the field of criminal justice and medical.

   Never question a woman's mood. Question her motive.

   my mother always taught me to lick it before I stick it

   you're allways late, your work is slack, you bit#h and wine behind my back, a 2hr lunch 4u is quick, and twice a week you call in sick, i've hated you since the day you were hired, log off facebook are your fat a#s is fired

   NXT 4 Life! They're taking over!

   The ball got bigger, then it hit me

   loves life; but life thinks we should see other people.

   knows one thing about the speed of light -- It always gets here way too early in the morning.

   Finds that the best place to pick up women is at the Immigration Office.

   I'm not saying we ought to misbehave, but we should at least look as though we could.

   Do camels think their feet looks like pussies?

   I mix Corona with water and it gets me drunk... mixed Wine with water and it gets me drunk... I mix Tequila with water and gets me drunk again... therefore I've reached the conclusion that water is bad for me...

   Many personality flaws are now treatable mental illnesses... My insurance denied me coverage, apparently being an @sshole is a preexisting condition.

   Ok, TV coroners. We get it. You're comfortable around dead bodies. You can stop putting your sandwiches on them.

   I once went 4 days with out a cell phone. So ya, Third World Countries, I get it now.

   With all the disease in this world, I'm just happy I didn't catch "The Stupid", or any other airborne illness like Freckles