Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mom used to let me lick the mixing beaters when she'd bake a cake.....seems like it would have been better bonding between us if she'd shut the mixer off first though....

   You know it's a bad day when a three legged camel points to your girlfriend's crotch and asks for his foot back !!!

   It's all fun and games until you notice the *rocket* in your son's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.

   I am standing out in the wind with my pants down and letting the wind blow me! Don't Judge me!

   seen some miniature american flags for sale today, said made in china, classic!

   believes that knowing when to say nothin' is not easily learned and impossible to teach......

   If I had a dollar for every calorie I burned tonight, Id be in the hole 1200 dollars! Thanks Alot Papa Murpheys

   Those who criticize usually have nothing else better to do, or expect someone else to do it for them!

   I think I found the solution for the global warming...we can send that guy that I now, who's responsible of 65% of gas emissions on earth, to space...and the problem will be solved.

   A psychiatrist is a highly paid baggage handler.

   Actual Sign in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."

   Why is in that in America they make the sick walk all the way to the back of the drugstore to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

   Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

   Do it tomorrow. You've made enough mistakes for today.

   True friends are like diamonds, precious and rare. False friends are like leaves, found everywhere.

   Bad news: I burned my finger on the toaster. Good news: 1 down, 9 stupid incriminating fingerprints to go.

   it's not illegal it's frowned upon

   Less work. More aholic.

   saying AT&T promised bars in more places, but everywhere I go I see the same bars and the same drunks

   Not to be insensitive, but this oil spill better not affect my access to delicious pelican meat.