Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   saw a banana peel in the road today and instinctively swerved to miss it, thanks Mario Kart!

   Statistically speaking 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy!

   I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

   With all due of respect, I would love to be able to walk up to you and offer you a big, nice cup of shut the f*** up.

   celebrating 1 year of sobriety today…I think it was 1972...

   When I walk out naked to get the paper.. Squirrels are in awe

   Dear Mr 21st Century Public Bathroom Door Maker,..... am really tired of having to duck and dodge people when am on the JOHN taken care of busniess can you please make a FULL SIZE DOOR without any DOOR CRACKS on the sides!!!!! gee thanks!!

   Thinks 'employee of the month' is a good example of how someone can be a winner and a loser at the same time.

   If someone's calling from a blocked or unknown number, I like to answer "Hasenfeffer Incorporated, Schlemazel speaking".

   It's amazing the amount of bullsh*t a man will put up with if he has even the slightest thought he might get a piece of ass.

   When I'm drunk and in the woods, I always have the urge to try to juggle squirrels.

   I'd consider being a farmer. As long as I could live on the Pepperidge Farm, and raise Milanos.

   This whole time you've been worried about dying from unhealthy burgers, but now you find out that drinking water with a McDonalds Shrek glass is what's going to kill you. Go figure

   wishing that girl on Maury would hurry up and find her baby daddy already!

   going to jail....because I just assaulted that plate of nachos!

   i was playing ping pong against king kong in hong kong using my ding dong ...

   My toilet seat was stolen, not sure who took it, right now I have nothing to go on.

   typing up a letter to the producers of "Unsolved Mysteries"...maybe they can figure out how many damn licks it takes to get to the center of a damn Tootsie Pop!!!!

   thinks that the US Soccer team should dress up as oral hygienists to scare the english into forfeiture

   Sometimes being a good friend just means being a good listener...