Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I grow up I wanna become a civil engineer, and design septic tanks for playgrounds. So little kids can take Sh•ts.! :-)

   My motto is "never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto.

   If you're happy and you know it, share your meds.

   The chicken never actuall crossed the road... it was a government conspiracy to distract us from the real problem at hand... Where the hell is Waldo?

   Duran Duran have reworked one of their classic singles for the World Cup. It goes, 'His name is Rio and he watches from the stands...'

   ""Daddy, whats a transvestite?” “Go ask your mother…he'll tell you.”

   If you want to make your dreams come true, the first thing you have to do is wake up.

   a World Cup soccer game is like watching a bunch of nerds in a night club... A bunch of guys trying their best, and nobody scores...

   So Adrian Peterson misses "mandatory" training camp for "Adrian Peterson Day" in some town in Texas, and its some big deal... My question is how do the celebrate "AP Day"? Bake some turnovers, drop things all day and accomplish nothing major?

   Tip this cab driver $5 he continued staring at me like I was going to give him more with his hand open, I took my $5 back, the tip is be grateful and stop being greedy

   Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.

   I miss the days when covering my eyes would make me invisible...

   I think this day just took a hard right onto WTF blvd...

   my two buddies walked into a bar, but I ducked

   I just accidentally sat through the commercials of a show recorded on my DVR. Every time I do that, a part of me dies...

   My plans for this weekend are so top secret even I don't know what they are.

   Tried to watch the World Cup....Why does it sound like there is a pi$$ed off swarm of hornets at every game????

   Thinking of getting a HUGE TATTOO on my neck....Oh ya, that's a good look!!!

   Spys search social networking sites like Facebook for info. It would be great if we could just start posting all kinds of bogus info just to mess with their searches!

   Studies show that four out of five poker players take drugs to keep awake and sharp at the table. The one that doesn't stay sharp is the one who shouts out "Go Fish!"