Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If two trains leave New York, one heading west at 40mph and the other heading south at 35mph, where are my car keys?

   To whoever said "fight fire with fire": do you actually test your own advice before giving it?

   I laid awake all night again worrying about why I'm always so tired

   Bond. Hydrogen Bond.

   I'm not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.

   That thing people do with their mouth when they're using their tongue to get food out of their teeth, I bet there's porn for that.

   Do I consider the cup half empty or half full? Depends on whether I'm emptying it or filling it.

   Saw a fashion report saying that with low riding jeans in style, butt cracks are the new cleavage. What was wrong with the old cleavage???

   Bowl cuts will never go out of style. Unless they somehow become stylish first.

   A friend of mine told me he doesn't drink beer. I wonder what he does with it?

   Your Honor, please direct the witness to answer the question. I'll ask it once again. Why are you hitting yourself?

   The gang war between the squirrels and the raccoons must be escalating, based on the number of drive-by victims on the side of the road.

   Man it's Hotttt!!! I am sweating worse than Al Sharpton on Jeopardy.

   Condoms are like newspapers....sure they are filled with good stuff today but you sure don't want them around tomorrow...

   A woman will always forgive & forget......But she'll never let you forget that she has forgiven & forgotten...

   it's so hot the jalapenos in my garden were all standing over in the shade.

   It's better to have a gun and not need it than to not have a gun and need it

   Can everyone who has an iPhone 4 stop talking about it until the rest of the world has them? Thanks.

   my head says no, my heart says yes an my stomach say cheesebruger no pickles, with jus a lil bit of mustard...

   bragging about having sex with you wife is like bragging that I just gave myself the best handjob