Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can think of 6 reasons why I should sleep with this guy and I can count those reasons on his stomach.

   "I'm not drunk!" is an argument only very drunk people think they can win

   Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle.

   The girl is mine, Life's a b*tch so the whole world is mine.

   Want World Peace?? Replace oxygen with Helium. Who could stay mad at someone that sounds like a Chipmunk?!?

   If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood.

   I asked the teller at my bank to supersize my order. Apparently, banks aren't full of would-be comedians.

   Death, bring back Kurt Cobain,Freddy Mercury,Bob marley,Jerry garcia,Jim Morrison (Doors),Jimmy Hendrix, John Lennon,Bradley Nowell,Shannon Hoon,Janis Joplin,Paul Gray(Slipknot),Tupac, BIggie Smalls,Big Pun, Eazy E. Take any1 from Pop radio in exchange

   annoying heat; it's not the heat, its the stupidity...

   Bachelors know more about women than married men, that's why they not married.

   finds it funny in the movie "did you her about morgans" sarah jessica parker is chasing a horse its like Pepé Le Pew chasing the cat

   soooooo high.. that he/she can hear heaven )O.o(

   If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

   If there was a tornado coming the first thing I'd do is update my status, If I'm not on here for awhile I'm not alive.... :P

   I swear, when one radio station is playing commercials, EVERY radio station is playing commercials.

   After a lightbulb burns out, I always have to shake it to make sure that it is truly, burned out, and that it is not playing some kind of lightbulb joke on me.

   If Lady Gaga and Prince had a kid, they should name him, "The Artist Formerly Known as Alejandro"....

   If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight..

   Im not addicted to fb, Its just you never get on...

   thinks whoever said money doesn't grow on trees obviously never sold marijuana...