Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I might not have all the best things in life, but I always make the best of the things I do have.

   'Kidnapping' is such a strong word. I prefer to think of it as 'surprise adoption

   567.. 568.. 569.. Can't talk until I finish my pushups 570.. 571..

   wondering why people say HAVE A SAFE FLIGHT like I am the piolet or something.

   Use OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", What does that make the Tennessee Titans?

   the monoply guy and the pringles guy look exactly the same have you noticed that?

   twying to twalk wiff twenty wemon dwops in my mouff

   ...is about as useful today as an appendix transplant...

   ...wondering why the police never send out any "feline units"...

   Does a midget using an iphone look like a regular person using an ipad?

   Facebook has revealed that there are many, many people just like me and now I know why the world is screwed.

   "Show me a sane man, and I will cure him for you."

   Of course I'm out of my mind. It's dark and scary in there.

   Complain: To explain your pain for no gain.

   Knowledge is power, if you know it about the right person.

   Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

   What appears to be the end may really be a new beginning

   I like to pretend I'm a judge on "So You Think You Can Dance" when I'm at the strip club.

   blocked you from my news feed. I don't care how many mobsters you've iced, that you found a pink sheep on your farm, or that you've redecorated your virtual apartment.

   While driving saw a woman smoking in her Prius...obviously she doesn't see the irony!