Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to be a bird. Not because I want the feeling of flight, but because I want to poop on people.

   I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? ‘Cause I'm like ‘Bana … keep going. Bananana … damn.

   AD for PAPER DELIVERY PERSON: Must like early mornings, must own beater car/truck with squealing breaks and NO muffler or sound supression what so ever!! Ability to drive with one knee a plus!!

   Typical I buy 1 night stand from eBay & all I got was a bedside table...no dout they will be getting negative feedback!!!

   We have so much in common. You want to travel . . . I want you to go . . .

   Facebook-stalking my future ex-girlfriend.

   I tried, I really did. I threw my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn't care. It's not working!

   Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.

   I'm kind of surprised I'm not an action figure by now.

   Trust me. Tight fit jeans and loose fit skin are one bad combination.

   Just read that Facebook has reached 500 million users. Congrats to everyone who helped create history's largest stalker.

   Winners should have 2 things: Definite goals ...And the burning desire to achieve them

   The funniest thing about this message is that by the time you realize it doesn't say anything you its too late for you to stop reading it you dumb f**k

   Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

   The trouble with life is there's no background music

   Wondering if you plugged your nose and your mouth while you sneezed, would it come out of your ears or would your head explode?

   If you've seen one child on a leash, you've seen a mall

   The trumpeter blew it while auditioning for the symphony.

   The YMCA has officially shortened it's name to "The Y". You know times are tough when letters are even getting laid off.

   I don't understand the whole gay women play softball thing. Please explain to me because it's a bunch of girls who like to hold wood & catch balls in spandex on their free time...