Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hey girls! if you're boyfriend sparkles and doesn't want to have sex with you, he's not a vampire. He's gay!

   Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

   I was going to watch the new Jersey Shore season but decided it would be easier on my eyes to just pull them out of their sockets with a pair of pliers.

   Don't teach your children the value of a dollar because if they find out , they'll ask for two.

   glad McDonald's doesn't have hotdogs, she doesn't think she could order a McWeiner with a straight face.

   I drink to make other people interesting...

   wonders how people who work in BubbleWrap factories get ANY work done at all.

   If the world really was going to end in 2012, the bankers would find some way to "stall" it....they ain't going to let people get away with not paying their 25 year mortgages.

   I wish it sounded less gay when I said at last nights BBQ that "i'm craving a wiener." oh well, live and learn.

   Today's status is brought to you by the letters T G I F...

   spotted a few cornballs on his friends list...

   Whats the first? That little drop of water that makes it back up in there before you can squeeze it shut.

   whats the second quickest thing in the world? Your butthole closing after letting go of a turd.

   has performed extensive experiments in the shed and can scientifically conclude that a cat has only one life.

   How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

   Just saw a commerical for the snuggie, I thought it was a stupid idea but I couldnt change the channel because my arms would get cold

   a certain sign of who will wear the pants suit in your marriage is when the wedding reception has a Vegan menu and a gluten-free cake!

   microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes

   what's the point in knocking when you can just text someone that you're outside their house.

   I thought the show was called "Blue's Clues", not "Weird White Dude With A Bowl Cut Hogging Up The TV".