Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pizza+Coke+Double Chocolate Fudge=Life is good!!;)

   Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.

   OK so I'm a guy so I'm not going to pretend like I'm an expert on the subject but HOW THE HELL DO YOU NOT KNOW YOU'RE PREGNANT!!!!

   Shakeweight...providing practical excercise for ladies since 2009

   Apparently the forklifts at home depot are "not meant for racing and for employee use only."They should really get a sign..

   I plan on using a treasure map as my will

   it kitty litter if you throw a cat out a car window

   Birds of a feather flock together...then sh*t on your car...

   The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

   quit my job in the helium balloon factory... I refuse to be spoken to in that tone

   Little known fact: "Ikea" is actually Swedish for the sound one makes when sh*tty furniture falls apart.

   i suppose those highway signs that read "Speed enforced by aircraft" has a more serious meaning in Iraq.

   if you poke, please poke responsibly

   What's 7 inches long with a purple head and women love it? ... A twenty pound note!

   Mel Gibson's girlfriend coulda had it worse... HE COULDA been a Brazilian Goalkeeper...

   peer preasure wont work I will not try your the automatic friend frinder facebook

   WTF is up with people hating on HipHop these days? Thanks to Lil Wayne,I now know that a "Goblin" is better than a "Goon", Pitbull taught Me how to count to 4 in Spanish, and Plies taught me how to be intimate with a woman by pouring Kool-Aid down her a$$

   I may not meet my wife in college...But I damn sure have met my bros throwing my bachelor party

   I stood in front of a mirror for 10 minutes to watch myself blink... I missed it everytime!

   trying to find Osama is like trying to find Waldo....I give up.