Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish there was a "I liked your Facebook status until every one of your moron friends had to comment on it

   I think people would be less likely to piss me off if they knew how much I watch Forensic Files

   Seriously, "BFF" I've haven't spoken to in 4 months, you deleted me on Facebook?? It only took me a month to notice. I thought we were tight

   Marriage changes passion....Suddenly you're in bed with a relative

   Hello. My answers to yesterday's msgs, in order of their arrival. Yes. Tomorrow at 5pm. Duct tape & piano wire. Tonight's safety word will be banana. No. TY

   Live, Laugh, Love, Lesbians, :)

   My ex-girfriend has a seashell tattoo on her inner thigh... if you put your ear to it, I swear you could smell the ocean!

   Pizza+Coke+Double Chocolate Fudge=Life is good!!;)

   Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.

   OK so I'm a guy so I'm not going to pretend like I'm an expert on the subject but HOW THE HELL DO YOU NOT KNOW YOU'RE PREGNANT!!!!

   Shakeweight...providing practical excercise for ladies since 2009

   Apparently the forklifts at home depot are "not meant for racing and for employee use only."They should really get a sign..

   I plan on using a treasure map as my will

   it kitty litter if you throw a cat out a car window

   Birds of a feather flock together...then sh*t on your car...

   The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

   quit my job in the helium balloon factory... I refuse to be spoken to in that tone

   Little known fact: "Ikea" is actually Swedish for the sound one makes when sh*tty furniture falls apart.

   i suppose those highway signs that read "Speed enforced by aircraft" has a more serious meaning in Iraq.

   if you poke, please poke responsibly