Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was so drunk last night , I went to bed with Bo Derek and woke up with Bo Diddley

   Oops they got my order wrong again. I ordered an extra large weekend,hold the Monday. I'll wait in bed until they get it right!

   Getting older means I no longer have the energy to do many of the things I enjoy in life, for example being awake.

   nothing last forever, so live it up, drink it down, laugh it off, avoid the bullsh*ts, take chances, never have regrets because at one point everything you did was exactly what you wanted 2 do!!

   Why do you keep liking your own status? Of course you would like it, you f**king posted it!

   just seen a man wearing pinki capri's, must be a foreigner..

   If you are brave to say "good bye", life will reward you with a new "hello"

   There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works

   When I say "I understand", it doesn't mean I agree, it doesn't mean I understand, it certainly doesn't not mean I'm listening.

   She came to me one night. Explored my body, licked, sucked, swallowed! When satisfied, she damn left & I was hurt!!... stupid mosquito!

   Why do girls run from the ones that make them happy, and fight for the ones that make them cry?

   Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children

   Ladies, just a reminder...the same rule applies to spray tans as is does to Make up...less is more!

   OK Fellas, this one is for you. Be careful who you pick up and take to bed. With wigs, weaves, fake nails, padded bras and pants; you could go to be with a girl that looks like Janet Jackson and wake up with one that looks like Tito!

   I love haters! they're always thinkin of me!

   If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

   How is my Facebooking? call 1-800-DIS-LIKE

   has status electricity...if you get too close there maybe status friction and you'll get status shock.

   if you want me to go running with you, I'm going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.

   Men - Alcohol impairs your ability to make good decisions. We don't want you to lose that ability... we want her to.