Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cigarettes...because Skittles after sex just don't cut it!

   there are three kinds of people in this world. those who can count...and those who can't!

   *Insert Controversial topic here*

   Thinking about totally revamping my hairstyle. Ever since Justin Bieber came on the scene, it's no longer acceptable for a 25 year old to have a similar haircut. I'm thinking short, but not too short.

   Given the choice between Parkinsons and Alzheimers, I would prefer Parkinsons. I would rather spill a little beer rather than forget where I put it.

   I'm so broke... People in Haiti are having a benefit for me !!

   I hope everything I say doesn't sound like a sexual euphemism... touch wood.

   I failed my history test today. Apparently, "three centuries of inbreeding" is not the correct answer to "how did the american people evolve?"

   saw on the news a black couple had a white baby. it wouldn't happen in China because two Wong's don't make a white.

   if a fat girl falls in the forest and nobody is there to see it ...... do the trees laugh?

   was woken up again last night by the bulimic girl next door. I banged on the wall and shouted, "For f***s sake, keep it down!".

   Worst thing to feel during a proctology exam ???...Two hands on your shoulders

   bored of thinking of funny things to write in status and isn't going to bother this time

   not a doctor, but I play one in the emergency room until security shows up.

   would be more willing to accept people for who they are if they were more like how I wanted them to be.

   planning a vacation and is leaning towards Pisa.

   There is no SPF strong enough to sheild you from the sheer awesomeness that radiates from my ass!

   ʇɐ s,oɥ ǝɥʇ ǝɹǝɥʍ˙˙˙ uoıʇısod ʇɥƃıɹ ǝɥʇ uı ʍou ɯɐ ı' ʞo

   Just go ahead and sneeze cause my presence just blessed you

   loves to chase his pets with a vacuum cleaner