Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5747 of 6446

My buddy introduced me to the girl he's been dating for two weeks and referred to her as "the love of my life." Now I'm struggling to figure out why we were ever friends in the first place.
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08-20-2010 09:06
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I made some jello the other day, and kept thinking it tasted funny. Then I realized this was the first time in 10 years that I've had jello that doesn't taste like vodka.
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08-20-2010 09:05
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One of the biggest benchmarks of true adulthood is when you come to the realization that all teenagers are douche bags.
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08-20-2010 09:04
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Don't be mad because we bumped shoulders when passing. You didn't move either.
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08-20-2010 09:03
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Nothing freaks me out more than touching a surface that was unexpectedly wet with some unknown liquid.
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08-20-2010 09:03
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the guy changing my oil this morning said he had earrings just like mine. LOL
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08-20-2010 08:33 by Lisa
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"Vegeterian" is American Indian for 'Bad Hunter'
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08-20-2010 07:44 by Yaj
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Apparently, I would rather break my teeth or put a hole in my new shirt than locate a pair of scissors to cut the tag off.
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08-20-2010 06:05
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I love the way you lie......................... on the floor after I smack you for being dumb! :p
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08-20-2010 03:30
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In soviet Russia, bacon loves you.
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08-20-2010 02:50 by Zack
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For my visit to the bank tomorrow, I've packed lacy lingerie, chloroform and a chainsaw. One way or another, I'm getting that loan.
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08-20-2010 02:49
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guna name his daughter friday so I can take her to work with me on mondays and feel better about my day
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08-20-2010 02:00 by supa sam
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Just got freaky with a Mannequin hand and a electric razor taped to a golf club shaft.

Just woke up, took the Lemon out of his mouth, removed the belt from around his neck and headed into work.

Tell me... What came first the chicken or the salmonella?
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08-20-2010 00:39
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Who on earth can I turn to? I look to you fried egg steak and cheese burrito... I look to you after all my strength is gone in you I can be strong when melodies are gone in you I hear a song
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08-20-2010 00:35
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[This comment has been removed due to explicit sexual content]
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08-20-2010 00:02
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im single now.... and its weird to be dating again, because for the last three years... i've just been cheating.
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08-19-2010 23:59 by Nathan S
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Sure, you may have the last word....as long as it is "Yes, Ma'am" or "I'm sorry."
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08-19-2010 23:58
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Nothing hotter than a trailer trash barbie
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08-19-2010 23:42 by BBach
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