Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   u know how dumb you will sound if you go in a interview talking bout you graduated from Everest? Ain't nobody gon take serious

   I asked facebook in the help section what exactly is poke?facebook replyed me saying poke is a dirty animal

   Charles D*ckens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

   The best part of watching an actor on an environmental crusade is when he gets on his private plane.

   it just me or does the friend finder on facebook seem alittle sketchy!

   those bootyshorts really compliment your tiger stripes

   if you make her laugh she likes you , if you make her cry she loves you , if you make her drunk she puts out Lmao

   that moment you wake up from a drunk night and ure scared to look at ur facebook statuses.

   Would like to give a big shout out to people that are hard of hearing.

   Don't break anyone's heart , they have only one.... Break their bones , they have 206 of them

   My favorite tactic is reverse .ygolohcysp

   At the Edinburgh Festival Fringe this year,this was voted as the best one-liner :"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.". Those Scots. What a hilarious bunch they are.

   Why don't refrigerators have a milk dispenser next to the water in the door? You could just hold your cereal bowl under it and push the button.

   If you don't like music, you're probably deaf.

   Me refering to my buddy's newborn baby: He's so tiny... Him: You should see the balls on him.

   I'm shocked at the amount of condoms old ladies buy the moment they leave their shopping carts unattended.

   If you're going to tell people the truth, you better make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you...

   I saw a guy today that had a bedazzled cell phone. I thought it was kinda gay..... but then thought he might have stolen the phone and he might be a thug. The whole thing confused me.

   Just got back from visiting the future, was disapointed you weren't there. Can't go into details, but please stay away from revolving doors, and bean dip.

   Thanks for the sticker on your car telling me to remember 9/11. While you're at it, why not tell me to remember when my parents got divorced, when my dog died, and when my ex cheated on me.