Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My buddy introduced me to the girl he's been dating for two weeks and referred to her as "the love of my life." Now I'm struggling to figure out why we were ever friends in the first place.

   I made some jello the other day, and kept thinking it tasted funny. Then I realized this was the first time in 10 years that I've had jello that doesn't taste like vodka.

   One of the biggest benchmarks of true adulthood is when you come to the realization that all teenagers are douche bags.

   Don't be mad because we bumped shoulders when passing. You didn't move either.

   Nothing freaks me out more than touching a surface that was unexpectedly wet with some unknown liquid.

   the guy changing my oil this morning said he had earrings just like mine. LOL

   "Vegeterian" is American Indian for 'Bad Hunter'

   Apparently, I would rather break my teeth or put a hole in my new shirt than locate a pair of scissors to cut the tag off.

   I love the way you lie......................... on the floor after I smack you for being dumb! :p

   In soviet Russia, bacon loves you.

   For my visit to the bank tomorrow, I've packed lacy lingerie, chloroform and a chainsaw. One way or another, I'm getting that loan.

   guna name his daughter friday so I can take her to work with me on mondays and feel better about my day

   Just got freaky with a Mannequin hand and a electric razor taped to a golf club shaft.

   Just woke up, took the Lemon out of his mouth, removed the belt from around his neck and headed into work.

   Tell me... What came first the chicken or the salmonella?

   Who on earth can I turn to? I look to you fried egg steak and cheese burrito... I look to you after all my strength is gone in you I can be strong when melodies are gone in you I hear a song

   [This comment has been removed due to explicit sexual content]

   im single now.... and its weird to be dating again, because for the last three years... i've just been cheating.

   Sure, you may have the last word....as long as it is "Yes, Ma'am" or "I'm sorry."

   Nothing hotter than a trailer trash barbie