Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dog can lick his own balls. Seriously, I don't care how many times he makes those puppy dog eyes at me.

   Its time for a "It was one of those kinda days at work today." beer.

   The most disturbing part of those Orkin commercials is that the people seem used to speaking with 6 foot tall insects.

   Whats better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

   Today's Kama Sutra position is The Underpaid Employee. It involves bending over backwards for the boss while kissing his a*s at the same time

   woman are magic. They can get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard

   you know you're having a busy day when you can't find time to update your Facebook status.

   its the weekend so live it up, charge it down, puff it off, smash a line, blow out blind and destroy your mind!!

   ‎...Is it just me or is Ed Hardy and Affliction in an all out war with each other to make the douchiest t-shirt possible. These things are like 95% rhinestones and glitter, these shirts scream I touch myself when I watch Brokeback Mountain.

   You ever seen someone so gay that you feared for his safety!

   I love sleep so much that its the first thing I think about when I wake up....

   WTF? You look like you've been slapped by the Devil....!!!

   I'm watching one of those shows where an ugly dude preaches and pretends to heal people. It's called "Oprah"

   You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.

   You can get your appetite elsewhere, as long as you eat at home.

   Pornography is literature designed to be read with one hand.

   Woke up naked in a Quick Lube. I'm on the lift. No sign of my car. This can't be good.

   Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day.

   Women, don't get a tattoo. That butterfly looks great on your breast when you're twenty or thirty, but when you get to seventy, it stretches into a condor.

   I know you lifes not that interesting you only took those pictures to post on facebook.