Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Snooki look like a retarded version of Kim kardashian

   MSN has an article asking "is it time to break up with your doctor"? Any time you feel two hands on your shoulders during your rectal exam.

   A Tibetian Mastiff was sold in China for 600,000 dollars. You can buy the same dog in Vietnam for 5 dollars and it includes a side of fries and a drink.

   Behind every successful man is a woman. She's behind him because he's running away from the crazy b1tch as fast as he can.

   I was in the work canteen the other day and started shaking salt all over my chicken. My work colleague looked over and said, "Would you like some chicken to go with that salt?" I replied, "Would you like some laughter to go with that joke?"

   People learn from history... which is why you should always delete it.

   Having a favorite homeless person is weird, right?

   My wife said that she's going to leave me. But before she does, she is going to make sure that my bank balance is $0. That's nice of her, paying off my overdraft.

   Aplogizing is like "whiteout". It covers the problem, but its still there.

   Let's chug on down to Mambie-Pambie Land where we can MAYBE get you some Self-Confidence.... YOU JackWagon!!! (TISSUE??)

   If I get married I want it to be for all the right reasons, like needing health insurance and getting a tax break.

   Finally finished carving GOOGLE EARTH CAN SUCK IT into the a massive cliff. Now... we wait.

   Just hanging out in Washington DC. Anybody need any government while I'm out here?

   bathtub cleaned, condoms hid, fruit bought/displayed...bring on the parents!

   amazed about how slow old people drive.That is until they see a parking spot at the mall of course.

   My son has painted the most beautiful mural. On the side of our house. His new family will be so proud.

   Attention all teens get off facebook nd look 4 a job nd stop waitin for facebook to get you one

   Lady Gaga admitted that she does cocaine. Not really surprising news. What is surprising? She snorts it off her penis.

   and then Buffy staked Edward. The end.

   Montana Fishburne was a prostitue. Wow, a hooker AND a porn star! Or as Charlie Sheen would call her, “Perfect!”