Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ggwwhhaaannn wayne rooney spending £1300 on a 1 night stand with a hooker!! cant fault you bra, wha else can he spend his money on..

   - Bored? Go to Google and play with their logo, see if you can knock a circle off the screen with the mouse (excluding the top part) :D

   If this past life dictating the stuff that happens to you is true, I really think that the previous life should leave an apology note or something. "Sorry dude but during this life, I did a lot of sh!t that's going to bite you in the @ss. Heads up."

   i didn't really change.. I just got tired of pretending..

   I wish falling in love had traffic lights, so that I would know if I should: Go for it, slow down, or just stop.

   Craigslist has just shut down their adult services section. Looks like the "used futon for sale" ads are about to get a lot more interesting

   I am strong because I have been weak, I am a lover because I am a fighter, I am fearless because I have been afraid. I am wise because I have been foolish & I can laugh because I have also known sadnes, I know my past yet I can see my future will be grea

   Whenever I flush a bug down the toilet, I have to watch and make sure it doesn't come back, zombie style, with revenge in its tiny heart.

   Don't you just love how all the Casino billboards get you excited to spend your money then at the bottom of them all they give you the gambler's addiction #... Thats like me putting up a Billboard for a Heroin Party n giving you the # to the cops...

   doesn't think them as underwear, he sees them more as a manhole cover.

   Just because I don't agree with your crazy-eyed opinion, does NOT mean I am "uninformed". Maybe you are "mis-informed".

   i recommend dancing around naked in your living room

   What's the differece between a spit and a swallow? Cab fare and a ring!

   PSA: Just remember fellas, if you are sleeping in some other dude's house, just realize, the one who sleeps closest to the door is most likely to catch the first bullet!

   It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.

   wondering if fish pussies smell like people!?!

   OK Guys (and some of you girls). When someone says something to you and you're not sure what they say...don't just guess, ask so you don;t confuse "stay at my place, for play on my face!" It could be a little embarassing!

   Confused! My gf is complaining about tennis elbow and she doesn't even play tennis!

   Teacher: John why did you bring your cat to school today? John: (crying) I heard the postman tell mom "when the kid goes to school i'ma eat your (CENSORED).

   walking through ICU at a hospital dressed as the grim reaper